Just Leap Already

Nov 28

Just Leap Already

JUST LEAP ALREADY

A Play

Characters

SIMONS, an overworked and underpaid businessman in his in his early 30s who is struggling with suicidal thoughts.

MALUM, an underworked overpaid obnoxious man who gets everything he wants, SIMONS’ supervisor in the office, he is in his late 30s.

SETTING

The rooftop of the office. The present.

Lights up to reveal SIMONS standing alone on a rooftop

ledge looking down while smoking a cigarette. Windsor

knot loosened around his neck, hair in disarray. Off to the

side there is the door for rooftop entry.

After a moment MALUM walks through the door.

SIMONS is clearly embarrassed while looking back at

MALUM.

MALUM

(Yells sardonically from the door) What, are you going to kill yourself?

(MALUM walks up near SIMONS and lights a

cigarette while laughing.)

SIMONS

(Acting nonchalant but the situation is grievous) Well, just to be clear. The justification for my actions… is that this place has caused me to become completely deranged.

MALUM

(Laughs while completely unaware that this situation is serious) Actually SIMONS, I’ve been meaning to have a word with you.

SIMONS

Really? Right now, you mean? While I’m standing on the ledge of a 20-story building?

MALUM

Ah, SIMONS. Always with the jokes.

SIMONS

(Clearly wasn’t joking, looks at audience and addresses them) You hearing this too?

(He shoots him the middle finger and points at

MALUM mockingly while he is looking the other way

and smiles at the audience)

MALUM

(Unaware) What’s that SIMONS?

SIMONS

(Back into the scene, ignoring the audience) Oh, nothing. There was something you wanted... Oh yes, you wanted a word. You could even have a sentence if you played your cards right.

(SIMONS throws his cigarette down the building and

watches it fly in the wind down 20-storys.)

MALUM

(Starting to get a little upset) Ok, SIMONS. It’s time to put away the funny –

(MALUM puts up quotation fingers)

MALIM (CONT.)

“Oh, look at me I’m SIMONS” thing.

SIMONS

(confused) But… I am SIMONS.

MALUM

Okay, well put. Touché…

MALUM (CONT.)

(Flustered) I wanted to know where your quarterly run down was. You seem to be days late with it. Even Nuper turned in his rundown. Do you hear me SIMONS? Nuper!

SIMONS

Sorry, I didn’t mean to be later than… Nuper…

(SIMONS looking down, begins to kick rocks off

the ledge.)

MALUM

(Very matter of fact like) Well you were, it was disappointing to say the least. You know I need the quarterly. If I don’t get the quarterly, then I look like a dunce to the man upstairs every quarterly. I need the same quarterly every quarter. Quarterly quarterly quarterly quarterly quarerly.

(Begins to morph into inaudible mumbling about the quarterly.)

MALUM (CONT.)

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

SIMONS

(Begins having an inner monologue that only the audience can hear) This man isn’t going to stop. The way I see it I have two options, I can jump to my death, or I can stand up to this jackass.

(His inner monologue all happening while the audience

is still hearing a faint “blah blah” in the background.)

SIMONS

(Cutting off MALUM with anger) Look MALUM, I could care less if you look like a brainless ape to your boss because guess what? You are one! Your only job is to collect the quarterlies and pretend as if our progress and good numbers have anything to do with your leadership. You do nothing but walk around drinking very loudly out of that damn copper straw of yours while judging us! For God sakes, you don’t even allow us to have headphones at our desk! What are we going to do? Listen to music so hard the whole company goes under over night? The stocks plumet? For the love of all that is holy let me hear my Oingo Boingo to drown out that horrendous sucking from that cooper straw! You know I’m standing on this ledge right now because I actually intend on jumping, don’t you? I came here to jump because my job is drowning me slowly every day and I can’t breathe anymore.

(SIMONS starts to hyperventilate a little bit, takes

deep breaths until he can breathe easy once more.

He takes a short pause.)

SIMONS

(Calmer but snarky) Also your hands are always really wet, all the time. It makes for an unpleasant handshake.

MALUM

(Staring down at his shoes while scratching at the bricks, childlike. He continues quietly) Those… uh… straws are anti-bacterial.

SIMONS

(Quickly replies before MALUM could take a pause) I KNOW THAT THOSE STRAWS ARE ANTI-BACTERIAL, THEY ALSO CLAIM TO BE AND ANTI-INFLAMITORY BUT THAT’S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE!

MALUM

Okay whoa let’s take it easy. Maybe you should take those vacation days you have been putting off this year.

SIMONS

Ah, what would be the point?

MALUM

Clearly… uh… you need to relax or you might as well just leap already.

SIMONS

(Shocked that MALUM would even say that) Uh…

MALUM

Look just take my hand.

(Puts out his hand for SIMONS to grab.)

SIMONS